Come down off your throne

As I sit here trying to recall what happened to me this morning Blind Faiths lyrics are just playing in my head and somehow I think my dad is trying to send me a message.

Come down off your throne
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
Well, I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
Well, I'm wasted and I can't find my way home

Man, I do need to get off my throne, high horse and the pedestal that my husband put me on. I find I am so happy when I do not pressure myself into keeping up with what my life should be in my head. I never keep up with the jones's but boy, I have a list of things I want to achieve before I turn 30 and I turn 26 this December. "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans," Ah John Lennon, how wise your words are. I tend to find myself disregarding people and events when I find myself unhappy with the way my life is. I have a very good husband who is extremely patient with me. I have two beautiful and adorable cats who wake me up with kisses in the morning. I have amazing relatives from both sides of the family who support me with every dream I have shared with them.

Thank you Papi for making me remember what is more important in this life. I take alot of things for granted and there are so many people who do not have food, shelter and family to keep them safe and sound. We have to look at the bigger picture in order for us to realize that we are blessed. We have to search deep within ourselves to find what really matters, happiness without reason or reason over happiness.

I am an alien walking this earth alone

You said the right words
to make me feel numb
You made the right moves
to make my crazy self come

My mind seems blank
but my heart has sank

I am an alien walking this earth alone

A rift has been formed
all my angry emotions have been blown away by your storm
You left me speechless
all shook up and stressed

This is permanent
I cannot and will not change my indifference

I am an alien walking this earth alone.

Dream on sweet child

I love to dream. It makes me feel powerful and creative. Lately, it hasnt been that way. I wake up drained and depressed. I dream of this guy I know who lives in the Philippines, he tortures me with romance and then something bad always happens. Last night my dream started off with a party at his parents house and I was being presented to his family and their friends as the love of his life. We ended up in his bedroom where he was ductaping his door so we could smoke a joint with one of my best friends. Everything was all about me until we were relaxing and the three of us were in his bed and he starts fooling around with both of us!! I still cannot forget that part... I was so upset and I told them both I was cutting them off and I ran out of the room and the last thing I remember was me in an S.U.V. riding shotgun while he was driving and the dream was getting creepier by the minute. We had creatures chasing us and forcing entry to the vehicle. I kept on checking if the windows were closed and the locks were activated but whatever I did it didnt work. For the past two years this man has been visiting me in my dreams. He promises me love then gives me heartache by wanting to fool around with other women. The saddest thing is that it affects me everytime.

I have spoken to a few people about this and here are some of their comments:

Abby who is of irish and german descent, works in our office, actress and folk singer extraordinaire, is a creative woman in her early 40's who understands my grief working in a non creative environment says that my dreams have nothing to do with the man involved but has to do with issues concerning myself. Issues in the sense that I feel trapped and want to move on to other things. She was right there, yesterday I was doing research on non profit organizations that I will be applying to next year and it is something I have always wanted to do but had to go through the big bad corporate world before I got to figure that I am too nice to work in a dog eat dog environment. She also stated that all the sexual tension I have in my dreams are a sign that I am able to be successful in my future endeavors. I was quite taken aback by this because I was always curious if the guy I dream about alot is actually my soulmate. This puzzles me completely because Demetrius is my soulmate, the man finishes my sentences and has the same vision of our future.

Navroz a.k.a Ashley, born in South Africa but is of indian descent, owner of an I.T. recruitment firm, and is one of my favourite people in the office says that because I never got to fool around with the "GUY" and never pursued a relationship with him, my subconscious is curious about him. She says bluntly, "you never really had him so you want him more". She also thinks I should visit her psychic psychologist to find out what the score is.

Alexandria, Italian Canadian make up artist chick who frequents our office to see one of my clients on a regular basis says that this sort of thing happens to her often and she said that 1. I am weird and 2. I should go speak to someone about it.

Hopefully someone who intreprets dreams is reading this.. What do you think?

Mr. Vedder singing in my sleep

I love it when I get "the last good song I heard playing over and over in my head" syndrome. These last few days the song "Sitting by the dock of the bay" by Pearl Jam but the original sang by Otis Redding has been on my mind before I go to bed and when I wake up. I particularly love this part of the song:

Sitting on the dock of the bay

Watching the tide roll away

I'm just sitting on the dock of the bay

Wasting time

I left my home in Georgia

Headed for the 'Frisco bay'

Cause I had nothin to live for

And look like nothing's gonna come my way

At this point in my life, I am sitting on the dock of the bay, the dock is more like my front desk and the bay is the corporate world. I just watch my life and the people I work with like the last few minutes till recess or school being out for summer. I find I am really wasting alot of time. Lately, I have been thinking about abandoning the life I had in Bacolod*. I knew I couldnt be stuck there without a purpose i.e. opening up a business or settling with a loved one and living a care free life. The years I had invested in the land of sugar was not wasted but led me to my life here in Toronto, I met Demetrius and fell in love with him.

I find I need a change. I have gotten used to my way of life here and I do not like it. I love Toronto, its a very diverse city, but I need to be by the sea i think. I do not regret settling down and I am quite lucky my husband and I share a love for travel and would love to live in several cities. I guess Its all a matter of time. Till then I shall just sit around and wait till something exciting comes my way.

* Bacolod City- Located in the province of Negros Occidental, Philippines. The city where I was born and raised.

shit.. somedays I just want to say fuck that to everything ive worked hard for. today is one of those days. i dont want to care about responsibilities. I just want to snort, toke, and puke. i mean that in every sense possible. i just want to work as a temp again, save enough money to travel for months and then work and save again. i think i want to give up this preppy corporate/bohemian on the weekend lifestyle i have going on... it cramps my style. does 10,000 dollars more next year sound mighty tempting to keep on fighting this 9-5 corporate habit of mine? hell yes, but what will i do with the money when i know my wants will just increase... more bills to pay, more material things to accumulate. trust me, i dont want to be a crackhead and live in low budget housing but I really need to get my priorities straight.. i want a sushi dinner to mean something big again, like a celebration. im not saying money comes out of my arse but my god, im taking alot of things for granted! im more sensitive and down to earth when I dont get whatever i want... i should rebel, get the nose piercing ive always wanted, tell my boss if he doesnt like it he can go blow... i know i can get a temp job anytime, been there done that.... so money and paying rent wont be a problem... i need to be by the sea again.. i have a feeling in 3 years we will move to greece. canada is great but north america is a breeding ground for just accumulating more shit which we wont even appreciate in the long run. funky digs, travel and good food are my priorities right now. that 10,00 dollars more a year can go pleasure some drone who doesnt want the life i need.

Thai, Poker and Spadina

I had a nice rainy weekend. Too bad it is over. Saturday was great! I woke up not too early nor late. Spent time with the cats and Demetrius and I just hung out indoors toking while listening to the rain fall. The afternoon came and I really had to call miren to arrange our chinatown adventure to prepare for our Poker/Thai Party. Thank god she was as lazy as I was and we decided to meet later on in the afternoon. Took the subway down to Spadina and jumped on the streetcar. I love riding the streetcar because I love to people watch, see what cool outfits my fellow urban junkies are wearing and am digging that people are starting to bike and skateboard again, Summer is almost here!!!

Miren brought me to this chinese grocer and I fell in love with the place. A bit smelly but the prices to die for! I always do my grocery in fancy grocers and organic shops, boy was I impressed with the smelly oriental grocer. Found the ingredients needed for the Thai line up. Galangal root, lime leaves, coconut milk , shrimp and lemongrass for the soup and we even got Lilys Peanut butter (Filipino brand) to make peanut sauce for the chicken satay. I love food shopping... I am too poor these days to shop for shoes. Next stop was Kensington market, Yeni had to pick up turkish coffee. Kensington market is my favourite place in downtown toronto. It is around chinatown but clearly has its own identity. It is full of vintage clothing, coffee and spice shops, independent book stores and the only place in downtown toronto where you can light a bowl/joint with a whole bunch of strangers Roach a Ramas very own Hot Box Cafe. They have excellent flax seed muffins and a good selection of organic teas.

Yeni and I went back to my uptown apartment and to our surprise Demetrius cleaned the kitchen, living and dining area. We started cooking and the boys arrived with the beers! Dinner was a success.... all four boys were completely stuffed! We ended up toking while watching Anchorman and Back to the Future at the same time. Afterwards we played Texas Hold em and I cleaned those boys out... I was quite happy! Its all Gone Pete Tong was playing in the movie network and we ended up watching the movie! I have seen that movie at least 15 times and have not gotten bored once. So that was my saturday night... I did forget to mention that we ran out of booze and raided Mirens condo for more while a certain person was driving under the influence of alot of things. All the Cops were out and about too, I swear, some people never learn!

Mad Woman

I feel dead inside
somehow my thoughts
have come to haunt me

reality, fiction
its all messed up for me

My heart feels like a stone
and I cannot stop myself
from being an emotional wreck

Disaster is approaching
I am losing respect for the man I love

I try to be reasonable
but when I cannot be heard
the mad woman in me escapes

I nag, yell, and curse
I am a bitch for every season

A mad woman am I
do not hear me roar
for I shall eventually cause my own misfortune